Sometimes I get lost and forget who I am
Tags adopted, lost, mother, self identity, siblings
Do any of you remember when I went to the doctor because of my muscle pain and such? Remember how I got my blood drawn?
I have yet to hear back about results and so I asked my mother, "Ma, have you heard anything about my blood test?" and she said that unless I have twenty five dollars, I'm going to have to wait until she has the money to pay for an appointment. So uh, they won't tell her over the phone? I mean, really... why do we have to make an appointment just to hear if something is wrong with my blood? That's quite greedy of them to withhold simple information just because they want money from appointments, even tho the doctor will do nothing but TALK! Not help.
I'm tired of worrying that something is wrong with me. I'd rather know than wonder. If something is wrong with me, I would appreciate it if they would just tell my mother over the phone so she could pass the message along to me. Now if nothing is wrong, then making an appointment just to hear that would be a waste of money that could have been used on school, food, or anything else but that.
However I do remember him saying my muscle aches and such could be due to lack of certain things in my blood, and that before he would resort to putting me on muscle relaxers, he wanted to check that my blood wasn't the problem....
I'm kind of worried, you know? Because I don't really know my family health history, due to the fact that I am adopted, and there's no records. So I don't know if there's a disease that runs in my bloodline. It's trial and error really. Some people get the luxury of knowing their family's health history, therefore they become aware of diseases they could be prone to having. But I am not that lucky. I won't know what disease I could get until I actually get it.
Sometimes I ask myself would life be any different if I wasn't adopted? Would I have turned out different.... Would I have even joined divachix had I never been adopted? Would I look different in the way I dress and do my hair? Would my morals be any different?
Then of course it's pointless of me to ask these questions because it's simple: had I not been adopted, and the situation still been the same, chances are I would be dead, I wouldn't have made it pass age one. But I can't help but wonder, if it hadn't been for that situation, what would life had been with my birth mother and birth siblings? And I can't help but wonder....Do I look like my mother? What was she like as a teenager, and what was she like before she went spiraling down a bad path?
Moreover, I wonder who was my father to her...was he just some random guy she hooked up with or something more? From what I have heard from my adoptive mother, there was no information on my father. So I assume it was a random hookup, and my birth mother probably did not even know who fathered me. and that I am just another bastard child... born out of her flings.
I sometimes wonder silently to myself if my birth mother loved me or my siblings. I mean, she was an unfit mother, but deep down, did she feel anything for us? Anything at all? Or were we just a bother to her?
Another thing that gets to me is that my birth siblings got adopted to other families. All I know is that they all had dark skin...I was the only kid that had a white complexion. I don't even know their names, minus the youngest. I remember my little sister. Briana... She lived with me for a few months or so with my adoptive parents. Apparently I was not a very good big sister. But I was only a few months older or so than her. I was a baby myself! I didn't know what I was doing. But apparently I played too rough with her, and the government suspected my adoptive parents, when in fact any of the marks on my sister were my fault!
Sometimes I wonder, if I had played nicer, would my sister be living with me, instead of somewhere in New York with my birth mother's best friend? And is she safe? Is life treating her well?
I also wonder what happened with my other siblings. How old are they? Is there a big age difference among the five of us, or is there a small age difference? What were their homes like? What did they look like? What were they like? Did life treat them well?
Sometimes, I wonder, if I ran into one of my siblings, would I somehow know? Would we have some type of sibling connection? What if I got in a relationship with someone, and they turned out to be related to me? I've always feared meeting one of my birth siblings and developing feelings without knowing who they are. I can't imagine what I'd do if I ever got in a relationship with a guy I really loved, and then he ended up being my brother. I would feel so sick. I just hope that never happens. It seems almost unlikely to me really but I still worry about it. You know how sometimes you have a fear that seems silly to someone on the outside but to you, it's almost as real as true. That no matter how unrealistic the fear might be, you still fear it. That's how I feel with my fears.
And also, sometimes I feel that because I don't know any of this information, that I don't actually know myself. I don't know who I really am. I don't know where I descended from, and I'm always left out in class when there's an assignment about ancestors or things like that....because I don't know anything about my past. And I always have to awkwardly bring up the fact that I am adopted, and so I don't know any of the information asked... And I'll always have to bring it up, and it's always going to limit me. Let's face it, I'm lost and the likelihood of being found seems farfetched.
I have yet to hear back about results and so I asked my mother, "Ma, have you heard anything about my blood test?" and she said that unless I have twenty five dollars, I'm going to have to wait until she has the money to pay for an appointment. So uh, they won't tell her over the phone? I mean, really... why do we have to make an appointment just to hear if something is wrong with my blood? That's quite greedy of them to withhold simple information just because they want money from appointments, even tho the doctor will do nothing but TALK! Not help.
I'm tired of worrying that something is wrong with me. I'd rather know than wonder. If something is wrong with me, I would appreciate it if they would just tell my mother over the phone so she could pass the message along to me. Now if nothing is wrong, then making an appointment just to hear that would be a waste of money that could have been used on school, food, or anything else but that.
However I do remember him saying my muscle aches and such could be due to lack of certain things in my blood, and that before he would resort to putting me on muscle relaxers, he wanted to check that my blood wasn't the problem....
I'm kind of worried, you know? Because I don't really know my family health history, due to the fact that I am adopted, and there's no records. So I don't know if there's a disease that runs in my bloodline. It's trial and error really. Some people get the luxury of knowing their family's health history, therefore they become aware of diseases they could be prone to having. But I am not that lucky. I won't know what disease I could get until I actually get it.
Sometimes I ask myself would life be any different if I wasn't adopted? Would I have turned out different.... Would I have even joined divachix had I never been adopted? Would I look different in the way I dress and do my hair? Would my morals be any different?
Then of course it's pointless of me to ask these questions because it's simple: had I not been adopted, and the situation still been the same, chances are I would be dead, I wouldn't have made it pass age one. But I can't help but wonder, if it hadn't been for that situation, what would life had been with my birth mother and birth siblings? And I can't help but wonder....Do I look like my mother? What was she like as a teenager, and what was she like before she went spiraling down a bad path?
Moreover, I wonder who was my father to her...was he just some random guy she hooked up with or something more? From what I have heard from my adoptive mother, there was no information on my father. So I assume it was a random hookup, and my birth mother probably did not even know who fathered me. and that I am just another bastard child... born out of her flings.
I sometimes wonder silently to myself if my birth mother loved me or my siblings. I mean, she was an unfit mother, but deep down, did she feel anything for us? Anything at all? Or were we just a bother to her?
Another thing that gets to me is that my birth siblings got adopted to other families. All I know is that they all had dark skin...I was the only kid that had a white complexion. I don't even know their names, minus the youngest. I remember my little sister. Briana... She lived with me for a few months or so with my adoptive parents. Apparently I was not a very good big sister. But I was only a few months older or so than her. I was a baby myself! I didn't know what I was doing. But apparently I played too rough with her, and the government suspected my adoptive parents, when in fact any of the marks on my sister were my fault!
Sometimes I wonder, if I had played nicer, would my sister be living with me, instead of somewhere in New York with my birth mother's best friend? And is she safe? Is life treating her well?
I also wonder what happened with my other siblings. How old are they? Is there a big age difference among the five of us, or is there a small age difference? What were their homes like? What did they look like? What were they like? Did life treat them well?
Sometimes, I wonder, if I ran into one of my siblings, would I somehow know? Would we have some type of sibling connection? What if I got in a relationship with someone, and they turned out to be related to me? I've always feared meeting one of my birth siblings and developing feelings without knowing who they are. I can't imagine what I'd do if I ever got in a relationship with a guy I really loved, and then he ended up being my brother. I would feel so sick. I just hope that never happens. It seems almost unlikely to me really but I still worry about it. You know how sometimes you have a fear that seems silly to someone on the outside but to you, it's almost as real as true. That no matter how unrealistic the fear might be, you still fear it. That's how I feel with my fears.
And also, sometimes I feel that because I don't know any of this information, that I don't actually know myself. I don't know who I really am. I don't know where I descended from, and I'm always left out in class when there's an assignment about ancestors or things like that....because I don't know anything about my past. And I always have to awkwardly bring up the fact that I am adopted, and so I don't know any of the information asked... And I'll always have to bring it up, and it's always going to limit me. Let's face it, I'm lost and the likelihood of being found seems farfetched.
Total Comments 6
Comments
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It must be horrible thinking about your birth siblings like that and not living with them.
I hope that one day you find you birth family.Posted 08-17-2012 at 06:24 PM by broken_strings 
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Thank you.Quote:Originally Posted by broken_strings
It must be horrible thinking about your birth siblings like that and not living with them.
I hope that one day you find you birth family.
I hope so too. I don't really mind never meeting my birth mother, but I'd like to know my siblings.Posted 08-17-2012 at 06:26 PM by ocean_crumbles
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I'm like that with one of my parent's family's side. I don't know anything about the diseases or who I'm related too. It's not fun.
Posted 08-18-2012 at 12:05 AM by madame_x
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Quote:Originally Posted by madame_x
I'm like that with one of my parent's family's side. I don't know anything about the diseases or who I'm related too. It's not fun. Agreed. So not fun. It sucks not knowing.
Posted 08-18-2012 at 12:06 AM by ocean_crumbles
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Concerning the drs visit: Sometimes if something is wrong they will call you. If there's nothing wrong, they wont call. When I had my blood drawn they called to tell me that my iron was low. Next timw I got my blood drawn they didnt call. She said if its nothing wrong then they wont call. (in my case)
Posted 08-23-2012 at 08:30 PM by meshia1384
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Hmm I hope thats the case for me!Quote:Originally Posted by meshia1384
Concerning the drs visit: Sometimes if something is wrong they will call you. If there's nothing wrong, they wont call. When I had my blood drawn they called to tell me that my iron was low. Next timw I got my blood drawn they didnt call. She said if its nothing wrong then they wont call. (in my case)
Posted 08-23-2012 at 08:43 PM by ocean_crumbles
